When I See You: A Weather Forecast

 

When I See You: A Weather Forecast

Sometimes I forget to see you. There’s laundry to be done. The dishes are waiting for me. I have deadlines at work. I don’t gaze into those deep blue eyes and wade in their kindness. I don’t watch long enough as your face glows with a smile for it to become contagious and spread over my face. I don’t notice your curious expression when you’re thinking. I don’t notice the deep furrows of stress setting in or when the usual spark in your eyes is dimming, needing desperately to be rekindled. 

And sometimes, my vision is blurry. The fog of trauma, grief and misunderstanding is too thick and I can’t make you out in the haze. Sometimes the weather of life turns for the worst and the rains and the clouds gather with the heaviness of the grey. With it comes sickness, pain, helplessness and isolation. All I have been able to do in those moments is……survive.  It’s hard to look up when you need to watch your feet. You have to make sure you keep putting one foot in front of the other. And if you do manage to look up, it’s hard to see clearly through the drizzle of an overcast day.

And sometimes, I can’t see you at all. Darkness sets in; bringing panic, anguish and fear. I jump at the shadows and I over-react and under-react. I’m irrationally afraid that you might become like the monsters in my past. If only you’d known what I’ve seen in the dark, you might understand why I look away, just in case. 

But thankfully, the darkness ends with the dawn and cloudiness is pushed away by a bright new sun. Then. Then, I see. I finally see clearly the thing I was fumbling for in the dark. The fog clears and I see that you are still there holding my hand. 

In the sun, I so clearly remember why the first time I saw you, I was unable to look away. I see the sparkle in your eye, the depth of love in your gaze. I see the kindness of your hand and the cheekiness in your step. And it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. 

I imprint the image of you onto my heart. I memorise all the grooves of your smile and the miraculous mix of blue, green and hazel of your eyes. I hide away the picture in the vault of my mind, determined to guard it and treasure it. 

I pull it out constantly to remind myself, so the laundry and the dishes and the deadlines don’t make me forget. 

So when the darkness returns, and when the grey fog covers the horizon, I have an image of sunlight to remind me. That way when I am blinded by the dark, when my vision is blurred by the fog; I will ALWAYS be able to see you.